On Nov 1, 1999, I became aware of my alcoholism. On the outside, my life looked full and blessed. I had a house, a partner, friends, a job, beautiful children, and a loving family. Knowing this, I felt even worse about how miserable I felt internally. I was angry, unhappy, and felt completely alone. At the same time, I was physically ill and my health did not seem to improve.

I began working with a wonderful counselor who suggested that my relationship to alcohol might be abusive. Prior to this, I was unaware that my drinking was a symptom of a larger problem. I was afraid to face the heart of the issue, afraid of the changes I would need to make, afraid of failing, and afraid of being unworthy of something better.

My first step was in deciding to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. This first meeting, I was unsure of myself and did not know where or how to start communicating everything I was feeling. I knew I needed to ask questions, but did not know which questions I wanted to ask. After a few minutes, I realized that what I was experiencing was shared and understood by the people gathered around me. It was a safe place for each of us to ask hard questions and uncover uncomfortable truths.

Through these meetings, my self-esteem grew, I discovered my personal truth, developed a new sense of community, reflected on my internal and external identities, manifested mentorship, and eventually opened my tightly closed spirit. During this process, I gained belief that I am worthy of a happy and healthy life. I also learned that I can both survive and thrive life’s ups and downs without the need to cover up my feelings, emotions, desires and wants.

Consciously designing and creating a path for what I wanted from life required skills that I did not yet have. My feelings and emotions were guiding my moves and they were never good at long-term planning. I was exhausted all the time, always felt irritable, suffered from headaches and body pain. On top of that, I was caring for three children while working a full-time job, attending AA meetings, and running a household. It was overwhelming! I went to a MD to try and figure out what was physically wrong with me, but my bloodwork came back all-in range of a completely healthy person. My doctor’s response to my exhaustion was, “well of course you are experiencing this with all that you have on your plate.”

This response did not satisfy me as it did not explain the pain I felt in my body, the weight I felt inside. After confiding in my friend, it was recommended I visit a DO chiropractor that specialized in TBM (total body modification). I scraped up the money to go visit her and it ended up being best investment I ever made. Through her care, I was able to see the things that I needed to change and learned a lot about how bodies work. During this process, I observed first hand that we are a sum of all our parts- physical, emotional, societal, and spiritual.

My physical body was becoming important to me as I was finally finding relief from the health challenges I was facing. As I was becoming more physically well, my interior self and emotional states were being challenged by behaviors and experiences of my past conflicting with my path forward. I decide to enlist the direction of a counselor, keep on the 12 step method, and alter my perspective of my life through reading. This newfound knowledge and practiced tools allowed me an opportunity to process my feelings about my life. The fear, anger, pain, and suffering I felt transitioned to allowance, forgiveness and love as I healed my emotional state. In my growth, I became aware of what I truly wanted, where I wanted to go with my life, and the steps I needed to take to get there and that on this path I would need to leave my then-partner of 12 years.

After I spent some time investing in improving my physical, mental, and social wellness, I realized it was time to address my neglected spirituality. A friend invited me to a sweat lodge and I immediately agreed to go. No more than eight of us showed up on that brutally cold Saturday in January. We gathered around a small community fire while the grandfather stones were heating up in the sacred fire. In that moment I felt genuine connection, an unusual and exhilarating feeling.

The facilitator, Michael, moved the energy of the lodge and sang some prayers- I was hooked. Once that lodge was complete, I wanted to know when the next one would be. I became a regular, learned how to keep fire and run stones. With each lodge, I learned to pray in a way that made sense to me and with my body, in a way that grounded me. I learned how to be present and grateful and say thank you to all of life. I learned how to give my time and energy to something that was bigger than me. I learned how to show up and listen and be a part of community.

Throughout my spiritual wellness journey I have met and learned from many teachers and am grateful for each experience. I learned of the power of creation and how it heals in subtle ways. The next step of my spiritual journey was to go on a vision quest which is going into the woods for 4 days and 4 nights with a sleeping bag and water to fast from all things familiar. I was under the guidance of Michael and Judy both trained vision quest guides and the power of that ceremony blew me out of the water. I was gradually becoming aware of my place in the world and how I was a part of it. I asked questions and came out of that experience with a humbleness towards the power of nature and how it heals. I was drawn to the songs in ceremony and lodge and after my vision quest, I was able to pick up most songs with ease. Singing became my prayer- a full body experience that allowed me to connect with the creative life force and to plug in. Such freedom and expansion.

Today I have a deep rich spiritual practice one that I participate in every day. We have a strong community that spans the entire US and I feel as if I am a part of humanity. I am of service to my fellow person and know everything reflects me and how I view the world, so I take responsibility for how I want my life to look. Things do not happen to me they happen for me. I move in a holistic way , learning and making mistakes and knowing more and more of what I do want in my life. I am present and filled with appreciation for all that has brought me to this point- walking with others who are also searching for something better. Making conscious choices about my life is my path and being of service to others also interested in this way is my vocation.